Aries and Hou and Black Enough

I always thought I was black.

Bullied for my fair skin, "good" hair, and inability to become sufficiently ashy, as a child I ardently defended my right to call myself black. My more richly hued "friends" and family insisted my black wasn't really black because my light-skinned complexion would have earned me a coveted spot in the master's house. It seemed as if they believed my lack of pigmentation were some magical shield against racism. I fought back with the horrors of being a "house nigger" during slavery, an outcast during the civil rights movement, and an outsider even today. Still, more often than not, I walked away from those debates feeling like I didn't belong in my own body. I didn't feel like I belonged any where.

I was black once, though.

At a small cafe in rural Texas, at the age of twenty-three, I learned for the first time what it was like to be hated for the color of my skin. This "white racism" was different from my experiences with black people who somehow missed the irony in shaming me for not being darker. These complete strangers hated me. They stared me down until I truly feared for my life. Their hatred rolled off of them in waves, and I drowned in it. A piece of me died that day; a piece I never even knew existed until I watched it succumb to a flood of rage I still don't understand, more than a decade later.

I'm black enough now.

With age comes perspective. I can see now why there are black people who don't think I understand what it truly means to be black. They weren't there with me that day in Bandera, Texas. They don't know what I saw, what I felt. And yet, for many of them, that kind of racism can happen any where. It happens every where. But I've had the luxury of living hatred-free every day before, and every day since I left that red-neck, podunk, backwoods town behind me. So, the way I figure it, I'm black enough; black enough to understand what it means to be black in America even if I may not have to suffer the indignity of racism every day. And I understand that, for some, I will never be black enough. I'll never be enough of anything for those people. Still, in a way, they're right. Well, they're half-right.

The fact of the matter is, I'm black and white.

Being bi-racial is a different experience than being black. For me, it's been a lot like being Mexican. I look Hispanic, I know. Being from California, a state with a large Mexican population, it's an easy assumption to make. I also spent a few years being Portuguese in Hawaii. I don't think I've ever even met a Portuguese person but, apparently, I bare a resemblance. In the years since I left Oahu, I've been Hawaiian a few times too. It seems my race has always been a matter of how people treated me, instead of a culture to which I belonged. I still don't belong any where. I identify more with my astrological sign, even the Chinese Zodiac, more than I do with my race. Still, knowing who I am has brought me a long way toward being comfortable in my own skin, no matter what color it happens to be.

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

Growing up in the 80's and 90's with Bruce Willis-esque heroes, I have a certain fondness for action movies. There's a formula to these things. The hero is introduced as a normal guy, with normal problems, but then the bad guys show up and you find out the good guy is actually a total bad-ass. He whoops everyone's ass, but gets banged up pretty bad in the process. In the end, though, the good guy wins, the bad guys die, and we walk out feeling like we are somehow braver and stronger just for having watched the movie. It's not real. You know it's not real, but it's entertaining.

In 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi, the heroes really are normal people with normal problems; tactical, skilled, and well armed, but normal. They have money problems, family issues, poor work/life balance, and asshole co-workers. The bad guys are nameless, faceless, and indistinguishable from just about everyone else around them. Which, honestly, makes them far more terrifying. The good guys can't win this fight. We know that. We all saw the news coverage. This movie makes it real, though, in a way the media could not.

War movies aren't my thing,but I was strangely eager to see this one. I expected muscle bound, ex-pro wrestler types with little to no acting skills. Boy, was I wrong. This movie was brought to the big screen in an effort to tell the story of what really happened that night and, at the end of the film, that's what I walked away with. War is real. There was no effort to glamorize or glorify. There were no political agendas. It was what it was, and this movie truly moved me. If you haven't seen it yet, please do.

The Curse of the Final Payment

I finally made the last payment on my car, Salvatore, only to get a flat tire the very same week!

I've known for some time that Sal needs new tires. In 2014, I had to replace one of his tires because I ran over something and it was beyond repair. The guy at Firestone told me to replace them all then, but I'm not balling like that, so I just replaced the one and figured I'd replace the others when I had the money. Of course, I've had the money several times over, I just chose to spend it on other things. As fate would have it, the huge nail I ran over last week punctured my one good tire. So, I was riding around on three bald tires and a donut when snow flurries started falling today.

I'd already made my appointment at Firestone for Friday to replace all Sal's tires and have the one decent tire patched to use as a spare. With the potential for snow and ice, though, I decided to go ahead and have the patch done so I could take the donut off. Turns out, even though I was too cheap to change out all the tires when I was supposed to, I did opt for the warranty on the tire I bought. So, the patch didn't cost me anything. That's the good news.

The bad news is, replacing all four tires is going to cost me $400.00! Obviously, I'll be getting the warranty on the new tires since it came in handy this time around. Still, in addition to needing new tires, the check engine light came on about two months ago, the driver's side door only opens from the outside, and I need an oil change and a tune up. Oh, and an Inspection. And I need to renew my registration, which expired last April.

I know, I suck at car maintenance. Don't judge me. I swore I would do better this year. I absolutely do not want another car payment any time soon! So, this one has to last me. Besides, who knows what damage I would have done trying to skate through another winter with shoddy tires? 

Now, for the worst news ...

My credit score dropped twenty-eight points because I paid my car off! Twenty-eight points! I'm devastated. I've been working really hard to repair my credit. So, seeing my score plummet just broke my heart. I knew it would happen. I'd requested a raise in the limit on my credit card to balance things out, but I didn't anticipate such a dramatic affect. I feel like I can't win for losing. 

Still, I'm grateful the car is paid off and, because of that, I'll have the cash I need to tend to my vehicle. My credit score will recover with time, I just have to be patient. That's not exactly one of my virtues, but I'm working on it.

And So The Adventure Begins

January started slow for me. I didn't make any extreme exercise or diet plans. I don't have a fixed budget. I made no promises about who I would spend time with, how many books I would read, or how many hours I would devote to writing. Instead, I ate what we have at the house, only got off the couch for activities essential to survival, and spent most the the day staring at either my laptop or my phone with no real purpose. Although, obviously, I've managed to get some blogging done. 

Apart from a dull, constant headache, it's been lovely! This is my year for adventures, so I'm appreciating the down time. I'm happy to chill for a few days and bask in the inertia. I expect the rest of the year to fly by a warp speed!

I've alluded several times to my big plans for this year, without giving any specific details. I hate when people do that, so I apologize. The truth is, if I told you everything I have on my calendar, your very first question would be, "How are you going to pay for all that?" To which, I would reply, "I have no idea." 

There's something magical about having dreams bigger than your budget, though! Still, when the time comes to buy plane tickets and book hotels, either the money is there or it's not. Let's hope I find a way to make it be there. 

In the mean time, my first event of the year is relatively inexpensive but, by far, the most terrifying. I'm telling you about it, hoping you'll keep me accountable, because there is about a 75% chance that I'll chicken out. So, basically, there's a 20% chance that I'll be zip lining at the Riverbanks Zoo in Columbia, SC at the end of the month. The other 5% are my odds of having a heart attack before the whole thing even begins. 

I'm afraid of heights. Not nervous, or anxious, but truly afraid. Like, I can't decide if I should vomit or faint, so I'll just stop breathing-- that kind of afraid! My two older nephews will be with me. Typically, this would make me brave. I don't want them to be scared, so I'll have to keep it together. I'm not counting on their presence to calm me, though. Thus, there's a 50% chance my "water bottle" will contain a little liquid courage. While it may increase the odds of me vomiting, it may diminish my capacity to give a damn. Either way, I'll let you know how it goes.

The Right Foot

Financial goals are a staple of new year's resolutions, and I certainly plan to make strides in that regard during 2016. January will mark the first time in three and a half years that I will not have to make a car payment. Yes, it's official, my car is paid in full!

What does that mean for my bottom line? It means an extra $4289.76 toward my budget for the new year. Oddly, that's not the part I'm excited about. I've got so much happening this year, that money is already spent. I'm positively thrilled, though, to get out from under the pressure of that loan. My car payment was really more than I could afford but, when I signed the papers, it was the best I could do. Now that it's gone, I feel like I can breath again! It's such a relief! 

My school loans still have me in a choke hold, and that's not my only debt, but it all seems less daunting now that I'll have a little more wiggle room in my bank account each month. It's motivating to have this happen now, right at the beginning of what I am convinced will be my year. I'm definitely starting out in the right foot!

Back to Blogging

It's been years since I maintained a blog. I miss it. I've toyed with the idea for a while, but it never seemed like the right time. With the new year approaching, I've thought a lot about what I'd like to accomplish in 2016. Starting a new blog topped the list.

For weeks I've searched for a title. I thought of the Chinese zodiac and looked up what sign would reign in 2016. When I realized it would be the year of the Monkey, the sign I was born under, I knew I was on the right track. This is going to be my year! My western zodiac sign is Aries, and hou (the 'u' is silent) is the Chinese word for monkey. Thus, Aries and Hou.

Of course, this is the time for New Year's Resolutions, and I don't want to disappoint. I want the same things I've always wanted; more money, better health, extensive travel, perfect organization. More than anything, though, I want to live my truth. So, this year, I plan to focus on aligning how I live with what I believe. I don't really know how to do that. If you find a formula, let me know. In the meantime, I plan to just start living that way, to the best of my ability, every day. 

My hope is that this blog will help me on my journey. If I'm going to live my truth, I'll need to figure out what that is, exactly. While I have some strong beliefs, and opinions, I try to stay open minded. Writing helps me sort through my thoughts. Often times, I don't know how I feel about something until I write about it. I definitely resolve to write more in 2016.

January will focus primarily on writing. I've got a lot planned for the year, so I need to get a jump start. In addition to this blog, I want to resume work on my manuscript. If I manage to finish a full edit, I'll feel supremely accomplished, Of course, reading is a big part of writing, so I hope to do more of that too. Look for a 'What I'm Reading' section on this blog, it will be coming soon.

Well, that's pretty much it for now. On behalf of all Monkey's, let me be the first to wish you a happy new year! I hope it's everything you want it to be.